Nightly Forest Report
I live in the country on a tree farm. The noise and bustle of the city are pretty far away, but as I make my rounds to care for the trees, there are lots of little issues that are newsworthy to me…
Welcome to the Nightly Forest Report, covering Timber from Top to Taproot.
In our top story tonight, the firm of Tallow Tree, Hydrilla, and Air Potato LLC has denied allegations that it has any intent to “invade the US and displace species.” Representatives point out that all three species were invited to this country on the basis of their beauty and purported usefulness, and say that their extreme adaptability should be seen as a strength, not a flaw. “We have literally NO natural enemies in this country,” stated CEO Dexter Hydrilla. “I think that is an exceptional accomplishment, worthy of recognition, not of repression.”
In other business, Wild Grape International seems poised for a hostile takeover of Greater Loblolly Pine Corporation.
However, observers have noted that internal disruption in high levels is threatening to dissolve Wild Grape, causing investors to question its viability. It looks like Loblolly may survive this takeover attempt.
In governmental agency news, Poison Ivy Unlimited (PIU) has asked the USDA to rescind the well-known “Leaves of Three” restriction, which has been in effect since the Year One.
PIU claims that Virginia Creeper Corporation, with its five leaves allowance, has an unfair advantage both in its native environment and in its public relations campaigns.
“Ask anyone,” stated company spokesperson Ivy Green, “what word normally follows ‘Poison Ivy’ and people respond with either ‘removal’ or ‘medicine.’ If you ask the same question about ‘Virginia Creeper,’ the most common response is ‘Trail.’ At this point, who wants to go down the Poison Ivy Trail? No one. We believe that customers will enjoy designing their own versions of our plant products, by adding leaves to our basic triumvirate.”
In a related story, Yaupon Holly Corporation has decided to drop its decades-old slogan, “God’s Gasoline,” for a more modern motto.
The new slogan, “Yaupon – Ultimately Successful (in Spite of All Your Efforts),” was unrolled in an ad campaign this week. Other slogans that were briefly considered included “Spontaneous Combustion is our Specialty” and “Go Ahead and Sleep – We’ll Be Out Here Growing.”
When asked if they had considered using their Latin name, which of course would be recognizable the world over, spokespeople winced, said that “Ilex vomitoria” does not satisfactorily capture Yaupon’s many facets, and asked, “Have you noticed we look Christmas-y practically year-round?”
Turning to sports, in aerial gymnastics, the Swallowtail Kites continue to outperform and out-maneuver the Red-shouldered Hawks, with the Turkey Vultures coming in a distant third.
In art news, a member of the Grrr-illa Spiders has created an installation called simply “Web.” The anonymous artist has made no statement as to the intended meaning behind her work, but this reviewer feels that it serves to remind us all how interconnected we are, and yet, how fragile are the lines that connect us.
That wraps up our report for tonight. This portion of the news has been brought to you by the Southern Dewberry Council, who reminds you that there is no better way to honor Mom than by climbing around in snake-infested thorny brambles, to harvest a few handfuls of tart berries for that traditional Mother’s Day Dewberry Cobbler.
And as always, we thank the contributors at Southern Board, Chip, and BarkMulch – who supply you with 16,000 board-feet of yellow pine per acre, every 15 years, on only 47 inches of rain per year.
Glad you liked it. I was working out in the woods, and one of the things that was in my mind was your Meditation: Understory – I think about things like that all the time but you expressed it so well. All the plants and animals are as important in my life as people and current events are to other people, and so I thought they needed their own news report! 🙂
clever, fun to read! Thanks for sharing.
Glad you liked it!
While I live far north of Texas, I recognize some of your usual suspects. Poison ivy, wild grapevine, virginia creeper all are striving mightily to take over the less kempt parts of my backyard. Though I vote for thistle as the most obnoxious pest as it seems impervious to any removal methods.
We have some thistles but they seem to have a very short life, but my sheep and goats are not interested in eating them like I thought they would be. The only plant I really work hard to remove is tallow tree, because it takes so much water. In some places south of Houston, there are fields and fields of only tallow tree, where there used to be quite a diversity. I am lucky because other exotic invasives like kudzu, Japanese air fern and Chinese privet haven’t gotten here yet.
And five years ago, before I moved here, I didn’t know any of this stuff! 🙂
I love this! It must’ve been so much fun to write and you got the tone just right. Much more interesting than the “real” news!
Thank you! I did have fun writing it – it was great to use all those unnecessarily big words and passive voice, and cliches, and all those things that all those real news writers use! 🙂
Love your post – yes, living out in smaller towns/country does have it benefits, allowing us to enjoy nature at it’s best….well, most times!
I love tongue in cheek humor. Read it on just the right day. It lifted my spirits.
Your response was chosen -totally at random!- to win a prize package of products from our sponsors. You will shortly be receiving one tallow tree, one poison ivy plant, one yaupon shrub, one board-foot of yellow pine, and a handful of dewberries! Enjoy!
You are more than kind. I am overwhelmed but, at this time, I must respectfully decline your magnificent gift.
Well, okay, but the prizes may just “appear” in your back yard some day!