If I Lived 130 Years Ago

My mental image of myself would be something like this:

"I declare, I'm laced so tight I can only languish in this chair -- but I do it so beautifully."

“I declare, I’m laced so tight I can only languish in this chair — but I do it so beautifully.”

Or this:

"Not only am I perfectly turned out, but I am ready for any weather eventuality."

“Not only am I perfectly turned out, but I am ready for any weather eventuality. And you know what, I am going to have this portrait clearly labeled to everyone knows where it should be placed.”

Or at the very least this:

"Not only am I perfectly turned out, but my home is an orderly and welcoming center of culture. Tea from a samovar, anyone?"

“Not only am I perfectly turned out, but my home is an orderly and welcoming center of culture. Tea from a samovar, anyone?”

I would admire women dressed to the nines like this:

"If I can afford it, I'm wearing it."

“If I can afford it, I’m wearing it. Fortunately for me, Coco Chanel is only 3 years old and has not yet told anyone, ‘Before you leave the house, look in the mirror and take one thing off.'”

But in reality, I would probably actually look like this:

"Are we almost done here? I have biscuits to bake, floors to scrub, and kids to chase off of my lawn."

“Are we almost done here? I have biscuits to make, floors to scrub, and kids to chase off of my lawn.”

(And did you notice?Β  It turns out I have at least two pictures of someone with an umbrella.)